Requiem
Partner, with whom I ended our three and a half year relationship in October. Tomorrow will mark the 29th year of her life, and the 8th month of our separation.
Our breakup has not been nice.
Friends of mine tell me that few ever are.
Our breakup, much like our last months together, has been full of fighting, of accusation and blame and anger. I've come to understand that I will never be able to do anything right where she is concerned, and that she will never be able to be for me the woman she was when we first fell in love.
Our most recent fight, and one of our worst yet, occurred nearly a month ago.
We haven't spoken since.
This has weighed heavily on me given her upcoming birthday, and my conflicted feelings about calling her or not.
When I think of her, when I close my eyes I know her as in our early days together...
...she is turning toward me on the balcony of our Montauk bungalow, she is orange sun and blue blue water and a smile like I am the only person in the universe... we are a tangle of limbs in the bed, end of the day easiness with breath in tandem, her face in the space of my neck, her lips grazing my collarbone and whispers of forever love... she is turning to me and we are laughing, laughing and there is nothing in the world but this...
It is this woman that I grieve. It is this woman with whom I never thought there would be an expiration date, couldn't imagine a world in which she wasn't in. It is this woman that still inspires a fierce protectiveness in me, that to this day I want to shield from the pain of our breakup.
I'm not going to call. I forgive her for the ugliness between us, and I understand what it means to be finished.
Dear Partner, I love you but I just can't carry your blame. ¶ 8:56 PM
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
Tomorrow is Partner's birthday.Partner, with whom I ended our three and a half year relationship in October. Tomorrow will mark the 29th year of her life, and the 8th month of our separation.
Our breakup has not been nice.
Friends of mine tell me that few ever are.
Our breakup, much like our last months together, has been full of fighting, of accusation and blame and anger. I've come to understand that I will never be able to do anything right where she is concerned, and that she will never be able to be for me the woman she was when we first fell in love.
Our most recent fight, and one of our worst yet, occurred nearly a month ago.
We haven't spoken since.
This has weighed heavily on me given her upcoming birthday, and my conflicted feelings about calling her or not.
When I think of her, when I close my eyes I know her as in our early days together...
...she is turning toward me on the balcony of our Montauk bungalow, she is orange sun and blue blue water and a smile like I am the only person in the universe... we are a tangle of limbs in the bed, end of the day easiness with breath in tandem, her face in the space of my neck, her lips grazing my collarbone and whispers of forever love... she is turning to me and we are laughing, laughing and there is nothing in the world but this...
It is this woman that I grieve. It is this woman with whom I never thought there would be an expiration date, couldn't imagine a world in which she wasn't in. It is this woman that still inspires a fierce protectiveness in me, that to this day I want to shield from the pain of our breakup.
I'm not going to call. I forgive her for the ugliness between us, and I understand what it means to be finished.
Dear Partner, I love you but I just can't carry your blame. ¶ 8:56 PM
